Tired of being TIRED!

I'm Tired! Physically tired because I'm mentally drained. Mentally drained because I am emotionally beat down. Plan and simple, I'm warn out! I am so fatigued that at the end of the day my Teeth actually  hurt. I honestly can not remember the last time all was calm in my world.

I have been on this journey recently, trying to figure out what makes me happy. A journey I have started many times before but never completed. I'm a thirty eight year old woman trying to 'find herself''. Trying to figure out what happy is and how to get it. Battling between what I want to do and what I know I need to do.

Now, in my head it sounds so stupid. 'Trying to find myself'.

When I was younger and someone told me they were 'finding their self' I used to think, 'Find Yourself?! You don't know where the hell you are?!'

I read something the other day. 'Are You Sacred?' I really didn't think much of the question at the time. Honestly, it sometimes take a little while for things to sink in. But, as things often do with me, at 4:00 in the morning some 4 days later, that question was the only thing on my mind. Am I sacred?

Sacred - Something that is held in high regards. Something beautiful and untarnished. A thing that is left undisturbed so as to be an Inspiration to others. Something loved and revered....worthy of respect or dedication.

I stood in front of the mirror, and asked myself the question. 'Am I sacred?'.  My response to myself,  'I AM SACRED!'. Since I tend to show my true emotions with my eyes and my expressions I quickly realized that my mouth was saying one thing but my face was speaking the truth. Saying you are sacred is not the same as believing you are sacred.

I'm constantly running on some sort of metaphorical treadmill for reasons I really don't understand just to do things I really could care less about. This is not sacred living. A broken spirit is not a sacred spirit.

If I truly am sacred and if I believe I am sacred, I need to honor what is sacred by investing in what is sacred. I need to invest in myself.

Sacredness is something which is venerated. Something whose worth is never diminished. Never depleted of its value.

I need to replenish my soul. Strengthen inside myself that which I weaken every day. I need to embrace my tears and see the beauty in my struggles. I need to stop being tired! Stop allowing the world to consume me and exhaust me of the gifts I have to offer!  I need to be sacred!

Under Construction!

Between the three blogs in my blog series (It May Not Be Pretty...; GingerSnaps & Vodka; Does Anyone Else See...), I have written about 40 or so entries. I try to be as sensitive as I can be while still being as honest as I promised myself I would be.

I have opened myself up to readers expressing my thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. While there are certain topics that are off limits (after all, I'm no dummy. I'm very conscious of the fact the 'Big Brother' is watching and freedom of speech doesn't mean freedom from repercussions) I try to, and while continue to try, to cover a wide range of issues.

With that being said, there are times where I may step away from my own opinion and take the 'devil's advocate' approach in an effort to cover all sides of an issue,and start a dialog. That doesn't necessarily always mean a dialog with me, but even a dialog with those in your own lives and hopefully shine a light on something someone never thought about.

A lot of us, myself included, sometimes think that if we haven't seen it, or we haven't experienced it, or we haven't felt it, it doesn't exist.

Every day of our lives, we are all under construction. We are never so mentally, physically, emotionally, or morally balanced that we exceed the opportunities for growth. There are always improvements to be made to one's self.

If my experiences, emotional vulnerabilities, opinions, etc. touches the life of just one person, or opens the mind of just one person, initiates even one person to start a conversation, I feel like I have done what I set out to do.

In that same respect, I openly welcome all comments others may have on anything that is written in any of the blogs within my blog series. Good, bad, or otherwise. I will never discourage, discriminate, or take offense to constructive feedback, suggestions, opinions, or points of view.

Just as I hope others can take away something from my experiences, I want to take something away from others.

'..there are few so wise that they cannot learn from others.' - Dhammavadaka

The Butterfly Effect

A BIG part of someones character, to me, is about the decisions one makes. The actions of someone, despite, the effects it can have on others, or thinking about how your actions can affect others regardless of your own desires and wants.

Today, everyone seems to have this Dog Eat Dog mentality. 'Gettin' Theirs' by any means necessary; without giving a single thought to how their actions can hurt the lives of those around them, not caring about the damage that can be left behind.

One thing I have learned time and time again, SORRY DOESNT MEAN SHIT!
It many times requires little effort to say, often has no real feeling behind it, & very rarely change a damn thing! In fact, the so-called 'apology' is, in most cases, thought about or 'rehearsed' before the action is even done.

I have been on the receiving end of more them my fair share of 'I'm Sorry's. I have felt the wrath of too many people’s actions. And I have to say, I don’t get it!!

Are some people really that selfish? Are some people really oblivious to how they hurt those around them?

My actions, if I can help it, are based largely on the effects it can have on those around me. Granted, there are times when the effect on others cannot be helped, but the times that it can I try to do as minimal outside damage as possible.

Yet, it is becoming more and more apparent to me that more and more people seem to care less about how things affect others and more about how they can 'Get Theirs'!

But in the end Karma is a real Bitch! And the hurt one puts on others will be returned double. There will come a day when each and every one of us WILL have to answer to the choices we have made and the actions we have taken.

If we can all take one step towards doing what is 'morally' right rather than what is just 'right for ME', we can slow down the Butterfly Effect.

When you don’t give someone enough respect to consider how your actions will affect them, you also don’t give them the opportunity to get the hell out of your way!

'Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.' ~Oscar Wilde

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