Tired of being TIRED!

I'm Tired! Physically tired because I'm mentally drained. Mentally drained because I am emotionally beat down. Plan and simple, I'm warn out! I am so fatigued that at the end of the day my Teeth actually  hurt. I honestly can not remember the last time all was calm in my world.

I have been on this journey recently, trying to figure out what makes me happy. A journey I have started many times before but never completed. I'm a thirty eight year old woman trying to 'find herself''. Trying to figure out what happy is and how to get it. Battling between what I want to do and what I know I need to do.

Now, in my head it sounds so stupid. 'Trying to find myself'.

When I was younger and someone told me they were 'finding their self' I used to think, 'Find Yourself?! You don't know where the hell you are?!'

I read something the other day. 'Are You Sacred?' I really didn't think much of the question at the time. Honestly, it sometimes take a little while for things to sink in. But, as things often do with me, at 4:00 in the morning some 4 days later, that question was the only thing on my mind. Am I sacred?

Sacred - Something that is held in high regards. Something beautiful and untarnished. A thing that is left undisturbed so as to be an Inspiration to others. Something loved and revered....worthy of respect or dedication.

I stood in front of the mirror, and asked myself the question. 'Am I sacred?'.  My response to myself,  'I AM SACRED!'. Since I tend to show my true emotions with my eyes and my expressions I quickly realized that my mouth was saying one thing but my face was speaking the truth. Saying you are sacred is not the same as believing you are sacred.

I'm constantly running on some sort of metaphorical treadmill for reasons I really don't understand just to do things I really could care less about. This is not sacred living. A broken spirit is not a sacred spirit.

If I truly am sacred and if I believe I am sacred, I need to honor what is sacred by investing in what is sacred. I need to invest in myself.

Sacredness is something which is venerated. Something whose worth is never diminished. Never depleted of its value.

I need to replenish my soul. Strengthen inside myself that which I weaken every day. I need to embrace my tears and see the beauty in my struggles. I need to stop being tired! Stop allowing the world to consume me and exhaust me of the gifts I have to offer!  I need to be sacred!

Under Construction!

Between the three blogs in my blog series (It May Not Be Pretty...; GingerSnaps & Vodka; Does Anyone Else See...), I have written about 40 or so entries. I try to be as sensitive as I can be while still being as honest as I promised myself I would be.

I have opened myself up to readers expressing my thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. While there are certain topics that are off limits (after all, I'm no dummy. I'm very conscious of the fact the 'Big Brother' is watching and freedom of speech doesn't mean freedom from repercussions) I try to, and while continue to try, to cover a wide range of issues.

With that being said, there are times where I may step away from my own opinion and take the 'devil's advocate' approach in an effort to cover all sides of an issue,and start a dialog. That doesn't necessarily always mean a dialog with me, but even a dialog with those in your own lives and hopefully shine a light on something someone never thought about.

A lot of us, myself included, sometimes think that if we haven't seen it, or we haven't experienced it, or we haven't felt it, it doesn't exist.

Every day of our lives, we are all under construction. We are never so mentally, physically, emotionally, or morally balanced that we exceed the opportunities for growth. There are always improvements to be made to one's self.

If my experiences, emotional vulnerabilities, opinions, etc. touches the life of just one person, or opens the mind of just one person, initiates even one person to start a conversation, I feel like I have done what I set out to do.

In that same respect, I openly welcome all comments others may have on anything that is written in any of the blogs within my blog series. Good, bad, or otherwise. I will never discourage, discriminate, or take offense to constructive feedback, suggestions, opinions, or points of view.

Just as I hope others can take away something from my experiences, I want to take something away from others.

'..there are few so wise that they cannot learn from others.' - Dhammavadaka

Beautiful Depression

The 'Silent Stalker', the 'Noonday Demon', the 'Black Cloud', what ever you want to call it...'IT' can paralyze your world and bring your soul to it's knees.

You can feel fine one moment, and falling into a dark abyss the next.

One minute your living in a world of bliss, and the next your dying in a realm of misery.

'IT' appears out of nowhere, latches onto every part of your being, and consumes your mind, body, and spirit. You don't see color anymore rather only shades of grey.

If 'IT' is as immersed in your life as 'IT' is in mine, you aren't able to hide from 'IT', 'IT' finds you no matter where you are.

If 'IT' is as transfixed with you as 'IT' seems to be with me, 'IT' will segregate you from any and everyone you ever even thought you cared about.

You are fooled into believing that 'IT's' existence has died, only to witness 'IT's' resurrection just as the wounds once last left behind begin to heal.

'IT' becomes so much a part of you that some, like me, have tried to cut 'IT' out with a blade. Slicing over and over and over again brainwashed into thinking that harming yourself will cripple the nemisis. In the end each cut of the knife only makes 'IT' stronger.

'IT' can become so much a part of you, that 'IT' can transmit to your children, and your children's children.

You don't know how to explain 'IT' so you don't tell anyone about 'IT'. You don't know how you got 'IT' so you don't know how to get rid of 'IT'.

So instead you embrace 'IT'. Accepting the ever increasing grip 'IT' has on you. Day after Day. Month after Month. Year after Year. Treasuring the moments 'IT' loosens it's grasp, making the most of the times 'IT' allows you to breathe.

You don't have to understand depression for your life to be effected by it. Depression is an unseen enemy that could be walking hand in hand with someone you know.

Depression may be the intruder that has taken over your own life!

(This is a post I felt necesarry to post on all of my Blogs)

The following websites provide valuable resources, support and materials for a variety of mental illnesses.

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance – DBSA
Support, educational materials, brochures, resources for family members, and much more.
Walkers In Darkness
Provides information and support for anyone dealing with mental illness.
Counselor
Largest informational database containing information on mental health news and resources.
National Alliance on Mental Illness – NAMI
Grassroots organization dedicated to improving the lives of persons living with serious mental illness.
National Institute of Mental Health – NIMH
Largest scientific organization in the world dedicated to research focused on the understanding, treatment, and prevention of mental disorders and the promotion of mental health. Free brochures and more.
National Mental Health Consumers’ Self-Help Clearinghouse
Offers news and alerts, training curricula, resources, publications, technical assistance and a consumer driver services directory