This road to redemption (conversion) is chronicling my journey to learn and understand how to communicate with my husband. My marriage is something to be honored, respected, and cherished. Sometimes in order to fix a problem within a marriage, you have to look within yourself. This is me looking within.
August 26, 2011
The Beginning - Day one of my journey and tyring to figure out where to begin. My thought is that in order to understand how to communicate RIGHT, i need to figure out what I'm doing WRONG.
Marriage Communication: 3 Common Mistakes and How To Fix Them
1. Yelling at your spouse - Now, my issue isn't necessarily yelling, but sarcasm. I have a very fresh mouth by nature. My words are very biting and cutting. ESPECIALLY when I am irritated. I was this way as a child, and is the way I am now. My frustration comes out in my sarcasm. And the more frustrated I get, the more flip the comments get.
2. Having a Competitive Attitude - I need to think about why I need to win. There is no room for competition in a marriage. This is my second biggest issue. I HAVE A NEED TO WIN
3. Making Marriage about Me Instead of We - Being as guarded as I am I'm constantly in survival mode. Very private, always making sure I have a plan B and making sure plan B is in tact. Drama, problems, arguments, automatically turn on my survival switch and I react by making sure that my kids have what is needed 'just in case' something was to happen.I shouldn't see my marriage as a threat. I need to stop with the plan B attitude (although that is ANOTHER JOURNEY in itself) - THIS IS MY BIGGEST CHALLENGE I WILL FACE.
Now that i know what is wrong, I now have the daunting, emotionally challenging, mentally exhausting task of uncovering WHY I have these communication 'Challenges'.
This should be interesting!
September 4, 2011
This journey to 'Find Myself' so that I can become the best wife I can be, is starting to lead me down paths within myself, that I generally stay away from. I am having to ask myself questions that I normally would make a point not to. BUT, sometimes issues that are outside of a relationship can definitely cause issues inside of a relationship.
So since I have to 'identify the issues before I can correct them', one thing I have to be honest with myself about is whether or not I am holding some sort of resentment. And if I am...What and Who do I resent?
I'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to identifying emotions, so not to confuse feelings of 'Resentment' with other 'feelings' I need to find out exactly what resentment means:
Resentment - the state of holding something in the mind as a subject of contemplation, or of being inclined to reflect upon something; a state of consciousness; conviction; feeling; impression
Well my 'state of mind' damn sure knows how to 'hold onto' 'reflect' and 'contemplate' the things or people who have hurt me. I'm not easy to forgive, and I make a point never to forget. In fact making sure I don't forget is what, in many ways, keeps me from repeating the same mistakes, or continuing to deal with the same people over and over.
Initially my thought with trying to figure out what is cause of my resentment, was that there is too much to ever have time to go through. Too many things to sort through. But after thinking about it, I believe that there is NOT an overwhelming amount if 'who, what, when, where, and why' situations to go through, but that there probably only a few BIG things that are causing me resentment, and just a lot of little things that further fuel the fire.
Now, as far as what those BIG things are?....
Remembering, acknowledging, admitting (what ever you want to call it) what those things are or who is the cause has always posed a problem.
Do I even WANT to go down that road? Am I even ABLE to go down that road... And more importantly, Is going down that road EVEN GONNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
September 18, 2011
I am a very quiet person. I am not outwardly affectionate, emotionally 'available', or easily approachable. A conversation with my husband today made me realize just how true that is.
We don't have the best communication between us. Neither of us seems to be able to get what we are really feeling across to the other person. But today I actually heard him. I didn't just hear him talking, I actually heard him.
I am not making him feel like I love him. Like I want to be here. Like I want him. I think I do, but he is not feeling that.
The only way I know how to show love is by being here. I figure if I'm still here, he should know I love him. That's not okay. Instead of feeling like being here is my sacrifice that should prove my love, I need to focus on showing him that despite the trials we go through, that being here, being in his life, him being in mine, is a blessing.
I always feel like I am taking on more than my husband. But if i ask myself why, the truth is I don't let him take take on more. I don't let him take on anything because I feel like I am showing that I cant take on everything. Like it is a sign of weakness.
Instead what I am really doing is not letting a man be a man. I'm not allowing my husband to head the household.
Now, I am not saying that I believe in the idea that a wife should be seen and not heard, and the husband calls all the shots. That is SO far from what I believe.
But, I do believe a man should be treated as a MAN. The man should play a major role in the house. The man should be allowed to lead his family and head his household.
I need to love him enough to let him LEAD me, not always have to follow MY lead!