It always seems to start off the same way. A push against the wall turns into a shove on the floor. That progresses into a slap on the arm, which then turns into a punch.. Before long, it become hands around my throat, and the next thing I know...There is a gun pointed at me with the voice on the other end of the trigger yelling 'Bitch I will kill you!'
From the outside everything looked wonderful. We were 'so in love'. Our relationship was envied by anyone who saw us. The truth? My children were on 'alert'. Each having a different number programmed into there phones of who to call in case things ever got 'out of control'. A friend of mine given a name and number (with the disclaimer not to ask me WHY I was providing her with this information) of who to contact if 'you don't hear from in X amount of days'.
No one knew. The numerous bruising on my legs, arms etc. were always written off as me being an 'easy bruiser' (which is actually true).
But in reality, There have been many many times when I have felt like eventually this person is going to kill me. Whether he means to or not. There have been many times when I have contemplated shooting my self so as to not give the man the satisfaction of shooting me.
I always tried to make sure they were never witnesses to any abuse done to me but unfortunately, my constant attempts to get out of the house rarely ever worked. So I talked to my children regularly. Determined to make sure they understood that what the may see or hear is NEVER the way a anyone should be treated and NEVER the way a person should treat another.
Again I will say, without saying too much, domestic violence hits closer to home more than people know, and again I will say that I will in no way be so hypocritical as to provide advice to others, But what I can provide is empathy. The knowing that you are not alone. And hoping that others will be stronger than I!
Battered Again
Dark rain fall on mesavage cries spell frustration
loss tangible and thick
like spoiled cream
Spilled tears to fill a well
misery loves my company
fists swollen in disbelieve
eyes drowned in sorrow
What love has no pain
a lie told yields no comfort
bruised with affection again
loving it no more
-Poem by Dragon Blogger
Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Very Deep Post, Keep ya head up sista, and stay strong!
ReplyDelete"And hoping that others will be stronger than I"
ReplyDeleteYou sound pretty strong to me. A very melancholy post, hope it is old very old history.
Without sounding like a bleeding Saint or a pompous old fool, I never understood how a man could hit a woman. I have always known you never ever hit a woman, ever.
I once caught a long term girlfriend out with another man. She flat out lied to my face as to where she was going and when I caught them I was both furious and deeply hurt by the betrayal yet it never occurred to me to physically assault her. The guy, I wanted to deck but I didn't. Though now I secretly regret not dropping the guy like a bad habit -would have felt so good. Suppose that might be a bit hypocritical.
I still would never hit a woman no matter what the circumstances, you just don't do that period.
A Man who hits a woman is not much of a Man in my opinion no matter the "excuse".
Can't offer you anything but my sympathy for you having to endure such barbarous violent behavior.