Monday, September 5, 2011

Do I Have....RESENTMENT???

(Part of my 'Road to Redemption' series)

This journey to 'Find Myself' so that I can become the best wife I can be, is starting to lead me down paths within myself, that I generally stay away from. I am having to ask myself questions that I normally would make a point not to. BUT, sometimes issues that are outside of a relationship can definitely cause issues inside of a relationship.

So since I have to 'identify the issues before I can correct them', one thing I have to be honest with myself about is whether or not I am holding some sort of resentment. And if I am...What and Who do I resent?

I'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to identifying emotions, so not to confuse feelings of 'Resentment' with other 'feelings' I need to find out exactly what resentment means:

Resentment - the state of holding something in the mind as a subject of contemplation, or of being inclined to reflect upon something; a state of consciousness; conviction; feeling; impression

Well my 'state of mind' damn sure knows how to 'hold onto' 'reflect' and 'contemplate' the things or people who have hurt me. I'm not easy to forgive, and I make a point never to forget. In fact making sure I don't forget is what, in many ways, keeps me from repeating the same mistakes, or continuing to deal with the same people over and over.

Initially my thought with trying to figure out what is cause of my resentment, was that there is too much to ever have time to go through. Too many things to sort through. But after thinking about it, I believe that there is NOT an overwhelming amount if 'who, what, when, where, and why' situations to go through, but that there probably only a few BIG things that are causing me resentment, and just a lot of little things that further fuel the fire.

Now, as far as what those BIG things are?....
Remembering, acknowledging, admitting (what ever you want to call it) what those things are or who is the cause has always posed a problem.

Do I even WANT to go down that road? Am I even ABLE to go down that road... And more importantly, Is going down that road EVEN GONNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

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