I admit it! I am not always the best wife I could be, or should be. I can be a bitch! I have never spent as much time in the presence of one person as I have in the past year and a half of marriage. And to be quite honest, I never wanted to. I'm not always the most pleasant person to be around. I like things done a certain way...MY way! I like my space and I like to grab onto what ever peace I can find and wallow in it...ALONE! So needless to say, the past year and a half has been, well, trying.
There is no doubt in my mind that my husband loves me. He may not always like me, and for good reason, but he always loves me.
I confess..I'm lucky. Very lucky. When a man's wish is to do nothing other than to see you and make you happy, who wouldn't feel lucky?
But, being the self-proclaimed bi-polar controlling brat that I can sometimes be, I don't always appreciate his efforts. Or notice them.
However, when my husband is hurting, may it be physically or emotionally, with pain that I probably can never imagine feeling, my world stops and I can think of nothing else other than making his pain go away. Easing the hurt that ails him!
The foul mouthed, often smart tongued, flippant man that enjoys trading harmless insults and wise crack comments back and forth with me the majority of any given day, becomes the kind hearted, loving husband, that still get as much comfort by simply laying his head on my lap as he did when we first met.
The love I have for him, love that is often times trapped behind an emotionally stunted persona, breaks through every barrier in it's path and takes the center stage where it should have been along.
I don't see the hard core tough bull dog in those moments anymore. Just the devoted partner that has never let a single day go by without telling me I'm beautiful and how much he loves my perfect imperfections.
I realize that the high maintenance man that I have always accused him of being, is in reality a simple man whose only request is just for me to love him... unconditionally....forever!
A simple request that I tend to make a challenging reality. All for the sake of not showing weakness.
But, behind the stone wall that I put up, probably more than I realize, and definitely keep up out of habit, is a heart that is filled with nothing but love, admiration, and adoration for the man that took me as his wife for better or for worse. A heart so fragile that, without him, would break into the millions of pieces that only he was able to put together.
If I could cleanse his wounds and absorb his pain I would do it in a heartbeat. Because the beat of his heart is what wakes me up everyday and the peace I like to find myself wallowing in is his soul.